Coming in contact with the “new and improved” American Castro Care for the masses that squeaks like a rusty wheel wrapped in cellophane and tied with a red bow, I realize that quality healthcare for American citizens and their undocumented brethren, who crossed the border illegally or were brought here by our government to fulfill the quota of Democrat voters and to alter the “racially unjust” and “bigoted” profile of sleepy little towns, might soon be a thing of the past.

If you take a handful of antibiotics before you have a medical procedure, your chances of survival double, especially if you know that your doctor’s handshake to improve his/her bedside manner passed to you all the germs from the previous eight patients because surveys say that doctors only wash hands after every eighth patient they touch. Very reassuring, isn’t it? But, it could be worse.

And then there are the foreign nurses and orderlies who come from third world countries where soap and water are scarce and sanitation is hard to grasp, especially since bacteria and viruses are invisible to the naked eye. Too much washing is bad for human skin and not part of some cultures. Who are we to judge, liberals ask rhetorically. Hand-washing may be against their religion as well.

You better thank your lucky stars that you get freshly cleaned and bleached sheets. As Marean Menghelie wrote, in eastern European socialized medicine, you could find yourself wrapped in a sheet with Crayola graffiti, with dried up blood that does not belong to you, ketchup stains when ketchup is not served in the hospital cafeteria, motor oil stains from the previous patient who cut his finger in an auto shop, suspicious yellow stains, or even dried-up vomit if you are really lucky.

And don’t dare to use the shower or the bathroom on your own, especially if you are hooked up to a tree of life with glucose and other happy drugs that can stop your heart. Why take the chance to pull the needle right out of your vein and spray the walls with a spritz of fresh blood.

Always ring the bedside button. When nobody shows up, and they seldom do, try to crawl out of bed carefully so as not to set off the bed alarm and watch out – the floor is really hard. If it rings anyway, hurry up to the bathroom and lock the door. There is always a young college student in nursing school assigned to babysit you and force you into compliance with hospital rules.

Menghelie suggested that you should be careful what you eat from the socialized medicine hospital offerings. Smell it suspiciously, wait for other patients in the ward to try it first, and consider eating only if nobody croaks right away. Better yet, don’t eat at all. If you wanted to eat, you should have gone to a restaurant, not a hospital.

If you must have a procedure, you have to bribe the doctor (it is expected) to make sure he/she does an extra good job and you emerge alive. Watch to make sure they put the bribe money clearly labeled with your name in an envelope and ask, in case you don’t make it, if there is a refund policy payable to the family for burial expenses.

Menghelie even recommended a nice payoff for the RNs, the next in line to make sure you are properly sedated and cared for after surgery. Bring proper amount of cash as they are not ATMs to make change. It is good insurance that they will smile, give you shots properly, or draw blood on the first try without bruising your entire arm. Make sure, he advised, you bribe two nurses so that the second shift won’t leave you thirsty, in pain, or with your diaper wet.

Socialized medicine is great and it works well in the small bankrupt countries of Europe when you have the sniffles or the flu. It will work wonders for our 308 million Americans, give and take a few million undocumented arrivals that the government does not seem to be able to count accurately.

Dental care in socialized Europe is another story. There is a reason why so many Europeans don’t smile. It’s not that daily life is harder or that they are in a perennial bad mood. They are just either sporting gaps in their pearly browns or yellows or have ill-fitting dentures.

Aren’t you glad that the U.S. is going to finally join the rest of the civilized world? What took us so long? We’ve been overpaying for services, good doctors, and good insurance for so long. How could we have been so ignorant for so long? Lucky us that the ‘wise’ progressives came along to set us straight and give us Obama Care!

I can give you lots of savvy advice but it suffices to say that it would be better if you could stay healthy and away from doctors and dangerous pharmaceutical products that tend to cause more harm and mortal danger than the actual disease. And take your vitamins. You are going to live as long as God intended you to live no matter what you do.